way to self knowledge


Dreaming of past and future, in between sea and sky. wishing i could live parts of my life again and again, sometimes just like they were once done, others in ways more refined.

This extended time far off civilization with hours and hours of inner contemplations, tremendously many moments of silence and peacefulness above the ordinary has been like being on a two year long therapy call. I've cried and I've laughed about the realizations I've made about myself and even though it's been hard, still is pretty often, I am closer to myself than what I've ever been before. I have realized so many things about myself. I've been forced to deal with and open my eyes to the things about my life and my person that aren't that attractive. There are things that I regret that I haven't done and taken care of and there are those things that I've done but not as complete or proper as I should've. It's easy to blame oneself for things that we normally call mistakes, and only that, to be able to look myself in the mirror and dare to say that I've made mistakes, are, if not pleasant, at least a healthy feature on my personal development. 

Having been the type of person who's always been on the run, rapidly moving forward without looking back, I've shifted life, place, home, relationships faster than anyone would get the chance to pronounce the word mundanity, it is now stimulating, and quite interesting to see that I've taken a step back. I let the world pass before my eyes instead of trying to keep up with its rapid movement. This enforced therapy has pushed me to go back in time to try to find some sort of peace with my past and the person that I've always ran away from. I used to think and claim that I was just like this or that, because I was born that way. Today I know I'm not perfect, have never been, and that with more understanding about myself, I could have done things way more proper than what I've sometimes done. My past and my life has shaped me like everyone else. Disappointments in life have made me strong, independent, free, open minded. But they have also made me treat people that I've cared about in ways that I regret. I've also had very much time to reflect upon all those things that I've earlier taken for granted. And during these two years on the boat, I've encountered many situations mental and physical, all in between bittersweet life and unfair death, that have reminded me of the fact that nothing is forever, not everything will always be there when we've had our backs to it for an extended time and that nothing, nothing should ever be taken for granted.

Before I grew up (meaning before I turned thirty, although I still have a long way to go), I've always said to myself: I want to live a life regretting nothing. Even the things that weren't that good at the time, I always looked upon them as that they were a natural development, that c'est la vie, shit happens, that's the way world functions. Today I look back and I can admit to myself that certain things were in fact really bad decisions, I know I did those things as it felt right at that specific moment, but if I would have known myself better, if I would't stubbornly, aggressively, spontaneously and repeatedly insisted on running forward, I could have saved myself and others from pain. Pain on others that indirectly have hurt myself just as much.

To really get to know oneself, I mean in a deeper extent than what I earlier thought was to be self knowing, is probably the hardest journey I've done in my life. No physical travel around the world can ever measure up with the ups and downs and hours of circling around in an endless roundabout that it is to come closer to who you really are. Smallest of details can profoundly change the direction of your life, but despite the pain of the realizations, this journey far from everything expect myself has changed my life more than anything I've ever gone through in the past. I wish to believe it is for the better.

If any of you would ever want to get to know yourself a bit more deeply, try night sailing alone (possibly meaning your partner is sleeping and you're on watch). No other sound than the wind and the waves are there to give you company, no other shades than black and occasionally some whitecaps surrounds you and believe me your mind will spin away to places you've never been before. I've developed a love and hate relationship for night watches/solo sailing, I love it as it opens your mind and makes you think, hate it for just the same reason.