On the topic of Boys vs Girls. Girls are easier when young. Even though I cannot say from direct experience, I have two boys. I have witnessed it and have been told as many of my friends and family have girls. Boys are difficult when they are young, but as they get older they are less stress emotionally. I had one person tell me (how has 5 adult boys) that boys problems/troubles hurt the wallet where girls are just emotional nightmares when they reach puberty.

As for the question of why...I am not sure. I do enjoy them very much. I guess the thrill you receive when you share a new experience with them is the most fun. This is why my wife and I continue to take them on adventures even when in the moment you dread the petty arguments and little spats in the end you all remember the good times and the adventure and forget about the little stuff. They are amazing. I do not think a parent can express the feeling of closeness you can get with your children. Mine are still young and still love their mom and dad so we will see what happens as time passes. They are 5 and 10.

Yes the emotional roller coaster of a teenager girl is probably a hard one to deal with.

I think a man and a woman in general feel slightly different in regards to having children in the first place.

Your boys are a good age Paul, great to be able to bring them out on adventure. Arguments are normal between anyone that spends an extended time with each other.

I have boys who are soon 14, 11 and 7 years old.
I think it was a strong biological urge to have them. And I think only menopause would have stopped that unless hubby would have not been happy with this number. I think men stress out more about financial issues and health of the child to be.
A girl would have been wonderful too. But maybe we could have ended with "seven brothers". The bond with a baby is very rewarding.
My mother taught me that one should not have children unless not prepared to also being with them.
I think You cannot raise a girly girl. Kids are what they are, everyone different. Maybe some qualities can be enhanced and encouraged.
I have raised some dogs too. Some of them barely popped out and quickly back to their puppies staring at me that "can't You open that door any faster?". And then some could have easily forgotten that they even had any puppies.
It is hard work and loss of "own time" when children are small. It is good to have helping hands around. When they are older it is more of being available for them.
Recently the economical situation globally has made me wonder that how they will survive - hopefully well.

I'm eager to see the comments you receive from this post! I'm in the same boat as you, but my husband and I have decided that even though we're not feeling this incredible desire to have children we still know we want them, so we're going to try in a year from now. :)

I’ll try to answer honestly, even though it’s not so easy, as I’m not even sure I know the answer in the first place…
I’d say I had two main reasons.
One: I love challenges, and I knew that raising kids would have been THE challenge of my life. I have never been the kid-loving guy, mind you, I could barely stand my friends’ kids for more than a couple of hours in a row. I know that as a parent it would have been a bit different, but how much? I mean, it’s a 24-7 commitment, a game that continuously changes and that you will never hope to master… So many mistakes to be made, the kids may end up being the exact opposite of what you hoped for (and at a certain age it’s probably the right thing for their independence and self esteem to do their very best to piss you off), and still you cannot throw the towel.
But that’s where reason number two kicks in: about one month before my father died, and we both knew it was nearly time, I asked him about his feelings. He had had a fairly complex life, and many things hadn’t gone the way he wanted, but he told me that even though he was pretty scared of was next (probably nothing as he wasn’t religious), he was happy because he saw my sister and me grown up and fairly happy. I knew those were not words of circumstance, he really meant them. He sensed, right or wrong, that my sister and I were, with a few other important things and countless happy and sad moments, what made his life meaningful, and overall he was happy to have spent his life bringing up two decent human being.
After all, maybe the reason we grow up kids with so much love is hope. Hope they will be able to do the many things we have been unable to do, to live the dreams we dreamed. We give them their legs, and they walk on, hopefully for the best. Isn't it what all animals do?

BTW: my wife and I have two couples of twins aged 6 (boys) and 3 (b+g), and even though they stole 99% of our previous life, they make us feel way fuller and younger than before

Tytti I agree with what your mother said, that one should have proper time and be willing to sacrifice your own time for the kids. There's so many that leaves their own kids with nannies already the first year and it makes me sad. Or other parents who are too young and ignorant to be able to give their child what a child needs.

You call it strong biological urge, but what is that exactly? Is it mentally or is it a physical desire? Why does some feel it that way and some doesn't. What is it inside of your body or brain that tells you that you biologically need a child? Where does this need come from?

You're right, every individual are unique and you never really know what you'll get (another thing that makes the whole process super scary!) - but I would do my very best to raise my own daughter to a strong fighter rather than a typical girly girl. But like you say, you never know what sort of personality the combination of you and your partner will create.

Andi, sounds like you're up for a new adventure! All the best with your plans.

Anonymous: Wow, two set of twins, that must have been and be a massive ongoing challenge!

Yes the thought of having kids is kind of tempting in the way that it is up to you to raise another person to become a good, solid human being. I can relate to the hope part, though I'm not yet convinced that it can over win the stress and hard work it also means to bring up a child.

Being a person of faith, I do hold to and believe the scriptures when it says children are a blessing.
However, that being said, I don't believe that is a mandate ordering each woman to give birth. Children, as my wife says, can be overated. If you are not truly ready emotionally and spiritually, it can be a huge burden and a total disaster for the child (who did not ask to be born mind you). I fully appreciate and understand your position and commend you for thinking things through.
My wife and I are a blended family and have two boys and two girls. She has one (a son) and I the other three. Both boys are the oldest and the same age (27), the girls are 23 and 16.

Boys are extremely close their Moms when very young, but truly need their fathers to be there, to show them how to love, cherish and respect a woman.
Girls are extremely close to their Dads and need to see how a man is supposed to truly love a woman (in a healthy realtionship) and need their Moms throughout to learn what it means to be a true woman and how to love a man in every aspect (not just physically). Sadly, this seems to be lacking for both girls and boys in this world..
As a woman, you should be extremely vigilant when it comes to who will be the father of your children, it makes all the difference for YOU as well as them.

In the end if you have a mate that you truly love and they truly love you as well, and you still decide not to have children, that is just fine.
Being an aunt or uncle or godparent for that matter can be awesome and you can have a huge and positive impact on a child as well.

Our children are the joys and pangs of our lives, but for me, I would not have traded the experience for anything.
Remember, this is not for everyone and is not required to be.
No matter what your decision, you can always be a blessing to them (whether they are yours or not) just as much as they can be for you!

I think it's both a mental(hehe)and physical desire -and even men do have it.
There is nothing rational about it.
It makes You think which body parts the child would inherit, suitable names and check out baby clothing. (=brains melt :D).
It affects how You feel about sex, if You use contraceptive devices or not. "Organic" starts to feel better :).
And contraceptive pills may affect the whole balance.
We are animals after all. Like cats in March ;).
There is this stupid "ticking clock thing" for us too. We tried to get our first for a year. Thought that if it takes as long with the second one, why wait - bang: age difference 14 months.

If you are even thinking about it, you are already experiencing the biological/sociological/intellectual urge. Don't expect to wake up one day suddenly desperate for children, it is a gradual realisation that you want to pass on your life, experiences, love, to another person. That was our experience, anyway.

Don't leave it too late, we put it off for too long (lives too busy etc.) but then had two boys about 2 years apart. They were so close, I would highly recommend minimising the age gap, and two is definitely a lot less work than one.

Regarding stress and worry, don't. We have had probably the very worst experience possible, our youngest boy passed away just before his sixth birthday. The pain and torment is as strong now 4 years later as it was the day he died, but despite suffering this loss, we would both do the same thing again in a heartbeat, even knowing that we were were going to lose him. He gave all of us such immense pleasure and love, and we wouldn't swap the experience of having him for anything.

So have them because you both want to, love them every day, and enjoy every day you have with them. You won't regret it.

A slightly different view from here, and a few random thoughts on the general topic on children...

Ever since I was very young, I have never dreamed of having a family, and have never wanted to have children. Oddly enough, my best childhood friend with whom I lost contact for several years, said upon our reunion when the matter of children was discussed that I always was the one not to have any, while she had always been very maternal (and still is!). So it seems that it has been a current running throughout my life so far. My first long-term serious relationship also ended mainly because of this.

I don't know why, but it has never felt the right choice for me. I would truly have to be a different person in order to have children. I can give reasons like loving to have my own space and time, sleeping issues, changes in the body and so forth to justify this, but they are mainly just secondary reasons. Having children is not truly me, and this identity has gotten stronger as I've grown up.

In a weird sort of way when my older brother had his first child, In addition to feeling happy for him, I also felt a great sense of loss and sorrow: there would be no more weird arguments and discussions over a bottle of wine until silly o'clock in the morning, and other bonding that we used to do. I still miss that, even I love my little nephews to bits... Nowadays I dread the moment when any of my friends decide to have children, as I know I'll lose them in the same way.

I think it is not for everyone to have offspring - just as Tytti's mother said that you only should have children if you are prepared to be with them and raise them well. I don't think I could do this myself. I have a feeling I would end up too bitter and regretful to give the child or children a good start for their lives. And yes, I have shed tears over this a number of times, but I suppose it's a thing I can't really change in myself. Fitting in with the society would definitely be easier with a different view on this topic!

I suppose the main point on this little novella is that listen to yourself, and only have children if it feels like the right thing to do.

What I'm going to say here is not going to feel good for some people, but the desire to have children is driven primarily by the animalistic instinct that all of us have in very varying degrees. For we are most certainly animals and anyone who thinks this is a "god given blessing" is fooling themselves. The inbuilt desire to procreate is also boosted by the powerful attraction of the sex act and sadly this combination has resulted in many regrets by parents after the event. But parents can be very selfish indeed when deciding on having children. They will make up any excuse to bring a child into the world, but I wonder how many of them consider if the child would WANT to be born and grow up in the home and environment that they will provide. Considering the millions of children growing up in poverty and unhappiness, their parents have given it little thought. Some parents with a known medical condition involving a high chance of passing it on to their children still decide to have the children often resulting in a terrible life when a badly afflicted child is the result. This is not bad luck, it is the result of pure selfishness and the inability to realise that having children is a personal responsibility to another, as yet unborn human being and NOT a rite. Having said all that, there are clearly wonderful parents out there, who provide a loving home and life for their children. Their children grow up as good members of a balanced society with respect for their parents and others, but sometimes I feel that these parents are very much in the minority.
It is also worth thinking about the fact that many children are the result of a split decision between parents. I think more that not it is the woman in a relationship who is the prime mover in the desire to have children. I know personally of more than one couple where the eventual Father did not want to have children and in another case where the mother unbeknown to the father stopped taking the contraceptive pill in order to get pregnant when he previously made it clear that he didn't want children. Another sad situation of selfishness caused by the powerful attraction to procreate.
So what to do in your own case where you, like most women have maternal flashes, especially after seeing a happy and loving mother and child. Well perhaps a visit to a care home for abandoned children will balance the equation and if you still feel that you and your partner can take on the lifetime responsibility of bringing another human being into an increasingly challenging world, you will probably make a very good parent.
So do I have the rite to comment as I have done. Well I had three children, two girls and a boy who have grown up and have children of their own. I don't consider myself as a good father as my wife and I divorced when they were young and I didn't give them the love that I should have done. I an clearly and naturally not a great lover of children and realising this too late, had a vasectomy after my third child. I remarried to a single mother who I found was not in anyway maternal and admitted that if she had her life over again would not have any children. So why did she have her child in the first place? Because she had a maternal "flash" and pressure from family on both sides to reproduce.
So Taru take great care in your decision. Give it at least two years of thinking and then, and ONLY if your partner is of the same mind, go ahead and I hope whichever way you choose, you are all happy with the outcome.

We have 1 son. We are both the oldest child in our families and were in no hurry to have children of our own. We were 35 and had been married 16 years when I became pregnant on a trip to Jamaica. Although it was unplanned it was the best mistake we ever made. Our son has been a pleasure ever since his birth 24 years ago. That's not to say it's always easy or that we had no conflicts along the way. But the love is so amazing and every stage has far more highs than lows. Our lives have changed, yes, but definitely for the better. I think you should do what is right for you though. You have plenty of time to make that decision.

If I would wait for that longing-i-want-to-have-child-on-my-own-feeling I would never become a mother. No need to tell you that it is the best feeling ever.

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts around the choices you've made.

Guy I'm so incredibly sorry to hear, it must be the most terrible thing that can ever happen to a human and only the thought of such an events possibility makes me if possible even more hesitant to having my own children. I understand you would have never done it differently, how can one ever regret a child. To me it's almost as if life is safer without kids. Partly the reason to hesitate is my personal fears of loosing someone I love so immensely. I can cry only seeing a happy and healthy child smiling, ridiculous as I am, so I can't even begin to imagine the pain I would feel if something would ever happen to my own.

It makes me glad in a way to hear that you have another boy, you might have experienced an even greater emptiness if you lost your only child.

Darrian, I agree it is so important that the relationship between the mother and father is healthy so the kids will learn from early days how they should respect other human beings/parents/future partners. Sadly it seems most people don't pay attention to this and go ahead and get children without having things in order. There are many exceptional examples of real good solid parents too, but it seems as they're in a minority like Davy says.

Nienna I get your point and can relate. We are not ready and the question is if we will ever be. Only time will tell. That said, I think there are special parents too who makes sure to make space for own time - but inevitably a parent will change his priorities however sad that might be for friends or sisters and brothers who have decided not to have any. I am also not hundred percent sure that I want to change my priorities for another human being, life is busy as it is and I too love my own space and time. But maybe I'll change opinion one day when I get older and more bored with life, who knows? Still have to work out the fear part though, I'm afraid of loosing myself in all that love one must and will bail out, as well as afraid of anything possible that could happen to the child.

Davy, there are way too many irresponsible, selfish and ignorant parents. Alex and I have discussed the possibility to adopt as we sometimes can think it's selfish in a way to add more children to a planet where millions don't have home, food nor love. But it's also a tremendous responsibility and will also mean the same sort of stress and worrying.

Honestly, I don't even dare to go to a care home for abandoned children these days which I've done in the past (and I myself lived in orphanage for five years of my life between the age of 2-7) - because I get too easily attached to children, especially the ones that are in extra need of love. It's too overwhelming for me and we don't want to end up with a boat full of parentless children.

Beverly, yes I still have a few years to think about it and hopefully I will still be able to get pregnant the day when and if I/we decide to go for it.

Hmm - my wife and I are in a similar position. We've discussed children and can see the benefits (and costs), but have decided that we should not have them just because it's the expected thing to do.

We have a growing number of nieces and nephews and love them dearly, though when they leave, we definitely mix a martini and survey the damage.

Bottom line, you should have kids only if you feel a strong desire and are in a stable position financially.

Taru, looking at a loving mother cuttling her baby or looking at orphans longing for love: could it be you identify more with the child understanding its needs and feeling its feelings? could it be that at the same time you want, as an adult woman, answer its needs and give love, happyness, harmony and trust? ... all those good feelings you might have been longing for as a very young child? - and that's ok! everyone of us has her/ his own childhood that makes imprints on our personality. Children don't need perfect parents who are perfectly ready to have children. children need parents who give them caring company while they are growing and finding their way in this unperfect world ... being unperfect themselves again ... it's called "being human" :-)

Firstly, let me say i love this post.
Thank-you for sharing your inner battle.

My reply to this is going to be very different to the above, as i am 21 years old without children. I too am not sure i want children, i have days where i feel i would love them then days where i really value my freedom and not having to answer to anybody. If i do have children it will be many years into the future, when i am not so young and have more life experience.
I have worked in the childcare industry for the last 6 years. Dont worry about how children will turn out, it's Nature Bs Nuture, although an element of their personality may be pre-determined, they are influenced by their surroundings. If you are respectful to people and your child sees that. They will copy, it's as much about role modelling as it is about teaching your child things they want to learn. However Some parents are extremely selfish. They have children without thinking about finances, situation and stability. I know there is never a right time to have children but you at least need to be emotionally ready. Children require your attention, but they dont require your whole being. You dont have to lose yourself in order to be a good parent. I dont agree with full time nannies (although i and some friends alike have nannied for families full time and the parents would spend a great deal of time with them during the day -ofcourse, sadly, there were also ones that were never home) Its about the balance thats right for you, you can fit a child in to your life or you can change your life to fit a child. As long as it is cared for it doesnt matter.

Before this post i had never actually asked myself WHY do i want children. Once i had read this i asked my boyfriend (he 100% wants children) his answers were to pass on a piece of himself, bring up somebody he's proud of and share his life experiences and values with.
I think above all, children are fun. They're honesty and innocence is heartwarming. Although, it is hard work too.
And this is experience from children tht went home at the end of the day! I do wonder how i would cope if i had to go home and care for own!

As well as my emotional thoughs theres also the realistic ones. Childcare is expensive. Even with the discounts i would get enough money to pay for childcare costs an probably have £40 left for the rest of my bills.

I do occasionally think about having children, although i'm still indecided if this is a thought boyfriend and i will act upon. But if i do my personal reasons for wanting one are unknown. Social pressure, combined with family longing combined with a biological urge are the best i can come up with.

Apologies for the long response!
How are the responses you are getting from others helping with your thoughts on children?

There are many ways to live a fulfilling live without kids. Giving everything up, buying a boat and cruising around the world might be one of the best options.

On the other hand all the parents I know and we say that there is a live before children and thereafter but one cannot imagine to live without ever after.

We have a fourteen month old daughter. We are aged 39 and 37, so at the late end. Our lives got routine, working day in, day out, a vacation every now and then. We have very interesting and challenging jobs though. You start buying bullshit stuff, a fancy bag here, a sports car there, expensive swiss watches - short satisfactory flashes but nothing that can make you happy on the long run. Imagining to continue like that was just not possible.

My childhood was not the best in all worlds, my father committed suicide on christmas eve when I was six, my - caring - mother suffers from depression a long as I can remember. That made me think a long time whether or not I want children. I do not like my childhood and I did not want to risk my kid to have such a childhood. Interestingly, my past made me to a forward looking, stable and optimistic person and someday I got convinced that such will not happen again.

My wife never was one of those baby-crazy girls. She never babysitted, never stalked friends with new borns, never peeked into strollers.

The bottom line is that we were looking for something satisfactory, something worth investing your energy in, something that gives you something in return that is beyond the short joy of a new toy. And we received it! It is so pleasing to see her grow, to see how fast she learns and how she loves us.

I end my post with a warning: it is not easy having kids, you are constantly suffering from sleep deprivation because of illness, teething ... whatever, no free time at all and all the anxieties that come along. Plus the relationship to your partner can suffer significantly. We never had so much serious arguments before.

Well, your innermost will tell you.

Best
MS

Life may be emotionally "safer" without kids, but who wants a safe life anyway? You're sailing around the world on a small yacht, so you've already made that choice! Neither my wife nor I have any history of health issues in our families, so Luca's issue was a bolt from the blue.

I agree there are some shockingly irresponsible parents around who should never have children, which is all the more reason why people who have the will and resources to make a decent job of the next generation should do so, otherwise what future is there for the world?

"Idiocracy" may be a film with many limitations, but the extrapolation at the heart of its premise is valid, and already a measurable phenomenon.

we have three children. to be honest we did never discuss or did a clear decision to have the first one. we just had a very undefined but immanent wish to have children. Before our first child arrived we had - as i said - no precise picture of how our life would be changed. and now as we have three, we could not imagine without them. I think you cannot decide based on good arguements on having children. You just feel the urge to have them or not. I anyhow like the probably a bit esoteric idea that children before their arrival choose their parents and not vice versa...

I guess these questions that I have, might just be a step into and towards the "biological" longing. All I know is that it would be impossible for us to have or want a baby right now. Maybe when we settle on shore after the journey who knows.

And yes Mo, it's clear that my childhood and lack of an intimate relation with my biological parents as a young child has given me even more fear to get own children. It's easier to push the option forward to not have to deal with the emotional stress and worrying a child might bring.

And of course my childhood has also got me more concerned about and easier attached to children who are in need of love as I can identify my young self with them. I know that many people with the same type of background get own children to recover a sort of loss from the past. I don't say it's wrong, all is individual, but I want to know that if I get a child, I will do it for the right reason, and not just for an egoistic reason to fill some sort of emptiness. That is why I am curious about other people's actual reasons. It helps me understand the phenomenon more I suppose.

Also I am very concerned about the lack of self time and being able to sleep, which many parents lament about... so many different reasons and variables to consider.

I might get there one day. Still a long way to go internally and philosophically and this journey is a real good way for me and for us to deal with questions like these.

"I'd want her to become a strong, independent and rational person that I generally find are traits more often found in men/boys."

While I applaud anyone teaching their kid to be strong, independent and rational, I take offense that you think girls are rarely these qualities. I can be both girlie, in my pink heels and dress and both strong and dependent. Men are often weak, dependent and irrational, too. Women don't have the monopoly on this.

Or maybe I should say, speak for yourself, matey. I'm strong, independent and rational and a girl.

That's my general opinion, yes. It happens that I find women with those traits, I would say I am like that myself and I know many women who are strong, independent and rational - but generally I would say men are more cool headed and it's my simple opinion and experience of the world and its people.

Oh well. I always said I would not have kids. I never felt prepared or willing to change my priorities. But then you met someone and you feel so much loved and safe that the only thing you can think about is having a family with that person. And you feel that the love is so strong and big between you two you must multiply that love and create a human being from that love. Somebody say in a movie "love is a trick nature plays on us so we can have more babies"...

Alex and Taru,
Our first child snuck up on us, an unsuspected challenge. Our second was planned and again a challenging joy.
Yes life takes a swift turn when a child enters the arena, planned or not.
Sleeplessness comes and goes with parenthood, just another anchor watch.
I thought I had aged ten years when I first discovered we were having our first child.
We have sailed with our children since they were tiny and now enjoy sailing because they are independent young adults.
It's all about shifting your mind into a place that is comfortable..as you know in cruising, every day requires much adjustment to your environment.
That is the cruising attitude.... No?
Our children are now 20 and 22. They've been sailing since they were two and four.
They can pretty much cope with anything that comes their way.

my wife and I had a daughter who is now five and then a son who is now almost 2. Our daughter is so much more work than our son, even at their current ages, but I still love them both very much. We never thought about not having kids, as it seemed like a normal part of our lives. I had an older sister and my wife and 2 younger sisters, so having children seemed natural to us. We are both very strong willed and independent adults, so I can see us not having childrend and having been perfectly happy. Sometimes I do wonder what life would be like without them, but that thought doesn't linger long.

Boat a sailboat in New York planned to sail to Caribbean, but At 35 I broke my leg playing hockey and while perc'd out of my skull, a 19 yr old albanian girl I loved moved in and 9 months later baby girl. Several years later, vacationing in Italy, pharmacist in Milan/wrong pills dispensed, then twin baby girls. We sail around Cape Cod and Boston like it's the entire world. Our nation of 5.There is no plan in life. I have more than I could've planned for, and I still play hockey every week with my friends. You can do it all. Love your blog.

Just saw this post and thought to say some things on it since you Taru seems to have similar questions to what I had on children before 18 months ago when I had my son;
for years my life was quite "glam" working and living in LA and London as an actress and later on in the fashion industry. I travelled as often as I could to remote places but suddenly when I was 34 I realized I needed more. The world is so big and who knows how long we have left here? So I left my on/off boyfriend since he did not want to travel and set off on a world trip alone. It was so important to get away from my lifestyle and have a new life and realize once again what really matters. I came home for christmas to my boyfriend and that night my son was created. I have never been one of those who was desperate for a baby, i never even felt the urge to hold any babies when my friends started to have them. And to be honest without that one night of unprotected sex, who knows what would have happened? During my pregnancy suddenly life made sense to me, it was 9 months of pure happiness.And when he was born my life changed in every way for the better.
Nowadays it feels like having children is just followed by moaning. And I think that had put me off. Many couples seems to suddenly just become "boring couple" when they have children, but I also know couples who suddenly come alive and start enjoying life like never before.
You have an added someone to share beautiful moments with, and for some reason he has taught me to see the world again through his eyes and it is amazing how much more I appreciate it. Every morning I cant wait for him to wake up so we can look into each other's eyes and me and my partner have an even better relationship from having him in our life. I cant wait to show him the world. The only hard thing has been the lack of sleep the first few months but I am sure if you live on a boat that would not be a problem-the waves are like being in the womb still for sure. As for girls/boys- I always dreamt of a brother to go surfing and climbing( my boyfriend prefers relaxation) and now I have a little boy I can teach all my favourite things to do it with!!!I am sure if I had a girl she would probably teach me to be more of a girl and that would definetely be positive as well.