I've been feeling more in love with Alex in the past few months than in a long time. Maybe more than ever. Almost five years together now. They say a year of relationship on a small boat equals to approx. three years on land. The space where you live is so tiny, the challenges you go through at sea are demanding, and if there is something about your partner you dislike or feel frustrated about, it is literally impossible escaping it on a boat. You are constantly in each others face. You better make it work.

We've had our downs definitely. But some times these days, a very uncomfortable feeling hits me in my stomach. What if we wouldn't have made it through the challenges? What if we would have given up? Knowing what we know now: that our love is strong enough to work through emotional recessions, empty bank accounts and exhausting trials, it seems so utterly obvious that we are together. We are a team. Will work through anything. But imagine if the doubts we might have had in the past led us go apart? It's a disturbing thought.

I have our years of traveling to thank for many things. But primarily it has softened and toned down my hard edges. It has opened my heart in a way that I sometimes feel it is over producing, over flowing with love and at times I feel I don't know where to release the immense pounding of hot blood that is streaming within my veins. It's a tangible feeling which makes me smile a lot. Hug and kiss my man more than usual. Makes me more helpful. It makes me effective at work. And it makes me dedicated towards the causes I believe in. Nothing is ever without its obstacles, but when the foundation feels steady, everything else runs smoother as a result.

My purpose on this earth and my ideas and visions of life have become more clear and defined. And I think out of the love, and the thorny fence around my heart that I've begun cutting down, that is where truth comes from. That is where you can create truly marvelous things. Be a better partner. A better person. Do good things. Live healthier. Be fair. Be honest. Help others.

I think all the right decisions, the ways in which Alex and I communicate better these days, the mutual work and sacrifices we put ourselves through, the plans and dreams we both have individually and as a couple, the energy we put into each of our projects, the balance we feel, the progressive path we're on, the support we give one another, the defined idea of something great for the future. They are all a result of love. A result of less shields and barriers between us. The result of opening up and being real.

I feel that is the key to all good in this world. To open your heart, don't let past and grudges hold back the power you have within. Be real and truthful to your beliefs. Make life easy on yourself and people around you. Pour love into all what you do. And know that a change comes only if you really want it to. 

But I still sometimes wonder with an uneasy feel in my body, what if we wouldn't have found the strength to work things out.. a big part of the meaning of our lives seem to still be to be together.

I've given up on trying to talk Alex into sitting back and relaxing in a quiet anchorage for a lengthier time as creating something, building or fixing or simply doing something at all times clearly is what his mind requires. 

It's a double feeling for me of course, who often love to kick back, enjoy the moment and analyze and discuss or plan future ideas and the worlds all problems preferably with a nice glass of wine in hand. Especially now that I've spent approximately 50-60 hours a week slaving working since October last year and I almost was about to give my right arm away for a full week or two of snooze. 

But on the other hand, Alex's determination to constantly improve and work on physical (or musical) projects consistently makes our home and world a little better, stronger, safer and nicer so for that I am always very thankful of course. It also gives me all the time I need and require for reading, writing, meditating, working on my newest endeavor and whatever else that I find so important for my soul. 

Thinking about it, I think Alex's strong work ethics and his constant strive for physical improvement in our living space might be one of the most crucial reasons to why our relationship and life in such small space works as well as it does. It gives us ample time off each other, even when we literally spend most time together if that makes sense. That sort of character goes well with my personality, who need and enjoy spending most hours of the day alone. It does get frustrating from both sides in different ways occasionally obviously, but in the big picture I think the constellation is what make things work so well as a whole. And with time it feels we've learnt to manage and adapt to each others very different sort of needs. Eg: me lending a helping hand whenever he needs it, and he being more conscious about putting tools and other miscellaneous stuff away once he's done.

What you see in the image above is the frame of the new cockpit table that he's made in teak which has been glued and assembled, temporarily fixed to the saloon table. Going to be marvelous to finally have a proper table to dine on also outside. 

I've felt compelled to write about this for some time, and now that our relationship recently passed the four year mark, I figured it could be a good time to conclude how we've done so far. Living on a boat, as a couple, for such a long time I mean. I think the relationship is the most common interest that people have. "How do you do it?" "Don't you get sick and tired of each other?" "What's been the greatest challenge?" and so forth.. 

Looking back at these years, still fairly few but extremely intense, that we have spent together, I can say that I am very relieved and thankful that we've come this far. I am relieved that we survived our to date hardest trial which occurred during our year long stay in Antigua. A year that was overwhelming, in many negative ways, and a year that could very well have separated us, wouldn't it have been for our stubborn determination to make it through that horrendous time, in one way or the other.

Old readers might remember some parts of that year though I haven't even mentioned half of what really was going on in our lives. Firstly we decided to sell Alex's first boat to get a new, larger, faster one as we imagined life easier with additional living space. We (he) lost a lot of money on that sales process, and after having sailed for a year and a half since we had left Spain, we found ourselves broke to the point that we had to put most hours of the day working and whoring out our varied services to left and right just to make ends meet and to be able to repair the larger, but older boat we had acquired. 

We lived in the middle of an ongoing boat renovation on an island where we didn't felt like we belonged, met many negatively influencing people, lived with the constant blanket of the annoying tropical heat, we were longing for friends and family, and on top of it all, my mother died and left me questioning not only my current situation or the past from where I come, but also my inner self from every possible, uncomfortable angle. 

My mother and I hadn't ever had the best of relationships though we had tried finding our way back to each other in those recent years, but still, she is the reason why I exist and the existential questions that a sudden death evokes are challenging enough in their own regards.

If there is something that I am amazed by when looking back at that year, now 1,5-2 years ago, is that it all came at once. We left on this journey to find answers and get to know ourselves and each other better, and the trials and lessons that life brought onto us really were of the massive sort. It seems to us that the universe went hellbent on testing our strength and quality of our relationship and there was a time it seemed that we were not going to make it. There were moments I thought we were no longer meant for each other.

Inevitably, we argued a lot during that year. And our major problem wasn't that love was missing or that we were unhappy with the life that we had started together. The main problem laid in the way we communicated during those trials. In hindsight, we can laugh about ourselves, almost feeling ridiculous and ashamed, at how narrow-minded and stupid one can become when in the midst of major turbulences. When you don't have any outside references, but try to work heavy things out while being stuck at the bottom. And without really knowing one another yet.

Both Alex and I are normally very intense in our languages though we're much better today than back then, and while being pressured and disappointed at many things at once, we definitely crossed the line in how a couple who fundamentally loves each other should converse respectfully. It's funny the way one thinks one is doing or saying the right things, but later you realize the strategy was nothing more than counter productive. 

After countless months of trying and unintentionally working against each other, I decided I needed a break. You might remember that I left for London and Berlin for a month and a half last year, and being disappointed in what level our relationship had reached, I decided to stay away until I had found the answers that I needed. Honestly I wasn't sure if I would return, but somehow the distance made us good. And being that far from Alex, while almost trying to recreate a life in which our relationship didn't exist any longer, just to see how that sort of life felt, I realized what an emptiness it would have meant if we for real decided to end what we had started. 

As I said, it wasn't love that was missing, it was our communication that had been destructive. In order to have any chance to repair or rebuild a respectful relationship, we both had to work hard on our personalities.

Two extremely stubborn, temperamental, emotional and, in their own ways, disappointed human beings trying to communicate isn't the easiest of tasks, believe me. We both made mistakes. We both had our faults, and none of us were ready to end it, even though I was momentarily on the verge of giving up. 

I respect and love Alex immensely for showing me that no matter what, even in the darkest of moments, an ocean apart from each other, it was never on his agenda to let go of us. If it would have been, we would probably not be together now. I would have probably stayed in Europe. And as much as he showed me what unconditional love is, he has slowly had to learn through me how to communicate better. Even though I was equally at fault in many ways, I still had a slight advantage in communicating calmly and constructively. 

There are obviously traits in each other that still makes us mad. Alex hates that I can occasionally turn into a distant cold hearted bitch when provoked, and he on the other hand is still at occasion a very intense and dramatic person which makes me want to blow up from time to time. This is where the good of my yoga/meditation comes in for your record, it has helped not only myself, but also us as a couple. I've realized that the calmer and more collected I am, the easier is it for me to guide him into becoming rational and tranquil when he has his typical temperamental (Greek) tantrums. And with time I have seen this slowly but surely changing his personality to a better collected person as well.

One of our favorite topics of argument here in our 30 m²/300 sq ft existence is cleaning and organization of things onboard. I might not have been the tidiest person all my life and I can be the cause of a hurricane mess from time to time, but the older I get, the more have I learnt that a fresh clean home makes for a better organized mind and gives mental peace. A tidy surrounding also helps you to make better decisions and give harmony, compared to the stress and unconscious unbalance a home full of clutter can cause. It really is metaphorical for life itself. The less distractions and mess around you, the better and happier will you feel.