I've felt compelled to write about this for some time, and now that our relationship recently passed the four year mark, I figured it could be a good time to conclude how we've done so far. Living on a boat, as a couple, for such a long time I mean. I think the relationship is the most common interest that people have. "How do you do it?" "Don't you get sick and tired of each other?" "What's been the greatest challenge?" and so forth.. 

Looking back at these years, still fairly few but extremely intense, that we have spent together, I can say that I am very relieved and thankful that we've come this far. I am relieved that we survived our to date hardest trial which occurred during our year long stay in Antigua. A year that was overwhelming, in many negative ways, and a year that could very well have separated us, wouldn't it have been for our stubborn determination to make it through that horrendous time, in one way or the other.

Old readers might remember some parts of that year though I haven't even mentioned half of what really was going on in our lives. Firstly we decided to sell Alex's first boat to get a new, larger, faster one as we imagined life easier with additional living space. We (he) lost a lot of money on that sales process, and after having sailed for a year and a half since we had left Spain, we found ourselves broke to the point that we had to put most hours of the day working and whoring out our varied services to left and right just to make ends meet and to be able to repair the larger, but older boat we had acquired. 

We lived in the middle of an ongoing boat renovation on an island where we didn't felt like we belonged, met many negatively influencing people, lived with the constant blanket of the annoying tropical heat, we were longing for friends and family, and on top of it all, my mother died and left me questioning not only my current situation or the past from where I come, but also my inner self from every possible, uncomfortable angle. 

My mother and I hadn't ever had the best of relationships though we had tried finding our way back to each other in those recent years, but still, she is the reason why I exist and the existential questions that a sudden death evokes are challenging enough in their own regards.

If there is something that I am amazed by when looking back at that year, now 1,5-2 years ago, is that it all came at once. We left on this journey to find answers and get to know ourselves and each other better, and the trials and lessons that life brought onto us really were of the massive sort. It seems to us that the universe went hellbent on testing our strength and quality of our relationship and there was a time it seemed that we were not going to make it. There were moments I thought we were no longer meant for each other.

Inevitably, we argued a lot during that year. And our major problem wasn't that love was missing or that we were unhappy with the life that we had started together. The main problem laid in the way we communicated during those trials. In hindsight, we can laugh about ourselves, almost feeling ridiculous and ashamed, at how narrow-minded and stupid one can become when in the midst of major turbulences. When you don't have any outside references, but try to work heavy things out while being stuck at the bottom. And without really knowing one another yet.

Both Alex and I are normally very intense in our languages though we're much better today than back then, and while being pressured and disappointed at many things at once, we definitely crossed the line in how a couple who fundamentally loves each other should converse respectfully. It's funny the way one thinks one is doing or saying the right things, but later you realize the strategy was nothing more than counter productive. 

After countless months of trying and unintentionally working against each other, I decided I needed a break. You might remember that I left for London and Berlin for a month and a half last year, and being disappointed in what level our relationship had reached, I decided to stay away until I had found the answers that I needed. Honestly I wasn't sure if I would return, but somehow the distance made us good. And being that far from Alex, while almost trying to recreate a life in which our relationship didn't exist any longer, just to see how that sort of life felt, I realized what an emptiness it would have meant if we for real decided to end what we had started. 

As I said, it wasn't love that was missing, it was our communication that had been destructive. In order to have any chance to repair or rebuild a respectful relationship, we both had to work hard on our personalities.

Two extremely stubborn, temperamental, emotional and, in their own ways, disappointed human beings trying to communicate isn't the easiest of tasks, believe me. We both made mistakes. We both had our faults, and none of us were ready to end it, even though I was momentarily on the verge of giving up. 

I respect and love Alex immensely for showing me that no matter what, even in the darkest of moments, an ocean apart from each other, it was never on his agenda to let go of us. If it would have been, we would probably not be together now. I would have probably stayed in Europe. And as much as he showed me what unconditional love is, he has slowly had to learn through me how to communicate better. Even though I was equally at fault in many ways, I still had a slight advantage in communicating calmly and constructively. 

There are obviously traits in each other that still makes us mad. Alex hates that I can occasionally turn into a distant cold hearted bitch when provoked, and he on the other hand is still at occasion a very intense and dramatic person which makes me want to blow up from time to time. This is where the good of my yoga/meditation comes in for your record, it has helped not only myself, but also us as a couple. I've realized that the calmer and more collected I am, the easier is it for me to guide him into becoming rational and tranquil when he has his typical temperamental (Greek) tantrums. And with time I have seen this slowly but surely changing his personality to a better collected person as well.

My current mantra goes something like this

EAT CLEAN - DRINK WATER -  WORK OUT - READ PLENTY - WRITE MORE - STAY FOCUSED - MEDITATE

There are several smaller as well as more profound goals with our staying on land and in order to achieve those, all clutter and non-necessities must be removed and avoided accordingly. Being an easily distracted person who on land often fall for temptations such as dining and wining and hanging out enjoying life rather than making use of my full potential in any other more important area, it is a gift from universe that we have been offered a quiet place to stay that is close enough to Boston (and NYC) for a well needed city break every once in a while. But far enough to make it a somewhat complicated and uneasy everyday/every week excursion. 

We literally live in the forest, ten minutes walk from the rugged shoreline. Our neighborhood is quiet and the only sounds surrounding us are the sweeping sound of wind drifting through the birch trees, birds singing, the occasional rain pouring down our windows and crickets and frogs playing their concerts in the evenings. 

For the same reason it has been good for my soul and mind to live on a boat and sail for such a long time that we have done. As nature, quiet peace and simple living seem to be the best elements to incorporate in ones life in order to reach deeper spiritual insights, as well as stay focused on what's good, and not only what is fun. 

We all have various shades in our personalities and we need a certain mixture and variation to feel fulfilled and content in life. The challenge, it seems, is to portion the different events and nuances in life in a comfortable yet progressive manner. I often look at life as its traits were positioned on a balance scale - pleasure, enjoyment and social events on one side. Achievements and work/spiritual progress on the other side. Both equally important as driving-forces in life where one doesn't work without the other, while excess of any given side puts us mentally, physically and spiritually off balance. 

I often get questions about how does it feel, to be out there on the sea with no sight of anything but water and horizon for days at length. And even though it is impossible to describe in details, as any such empowering feeling always is, I can say it has changed my life. I don't mean to sound dramatic or over exaggerate. But the way the sea brings you back to the ground by being so powerful and unforgiving in its vast massiveness and unpredictable weather, and in the way it cleanses your mind and makes sure you can't escape from yourself - it has taught me invaluable lessons that I would have never had to face elsewhere. 

The sea is much like life itself, it has its mesmerizing ups and devastating downs, and when you think you have control over it, you'll get a harsh backhand slap in the face by piercing hard saltwater. Always reminding you not to fight against the strong natural powers, but rather move with the ebbs and flows as the sea, just as life itself, changes around you. You can always make preparations, plans and even try to avoid bad weather and situations with careful precautions. But you never ever know how life nor a sailing passage will turn out, in the end. I find this to be the bittersweet beauty of life, the way that we are so fragile and unprotected if you look at the bigger picture. Knowledge of this has humbled me and each time I get out sailing, I gain a stronger connectedness with nature and the higher power of the universe that always has the final word in our tiny little lives. It makes you take life and yourself less seriously.

I know that many people might find it hard, stressful and even anxiety-provoking with the monotonous views that it can be with all this nothing but water and sky around you for many days at a time, especially as you spend so much time all by yourself. I too have my ups and downs in emotions during a long passage. One second I am feeling indescribable thankfulness for all the immense love and beauty that I have been given in my life, the next hour I get thrown back on memory lane and to a place and time in which I wasn't the best of me - bringing feelings of guilt or pain caused by the reminder of my human weaknesses. But even so, even when the sea has forced me to look into the bottoms of myself and urged me to make peace with past and the person that I am or have been - I am always embracing these new discoveries as I know they are there to guide me and teach me something in order for me to become a more complete, better settled and more refined human being that I do wish to become. 

There are many ways to soul search, but I have found the sea and sailing the most powerful of all what I've tried thus far. So no, I wouldn't say it is all just beautiful and relaxing, and it is definitely not always easy, but if you are intrigued by learning more about the powers of the human mind and are willing to take the next step towards better awareness and consciousness of yourself, at least I have found no better therapist than the mighty old sea. 

We're very anxious to get moving. Hoping to have all solved by tomorrow. In the meanwhile we'd like to continue with the questions you had for us. This is a very good one: 

What, if anything, do you miss from your previous lives?

In the early process, when we still were in Barcelona preparing Alex's boat, excited to get started and leave our lives on land behind, we kind of blocked ourselves mentally, and directed focus only towards our new goal. Of course, that's what you do when wishing to be successful in whatever endeavor you set out upon. But in the moments of excitement, we in a way failed to see, or neglected to feel the beauty around us in the place where we had spent much time of our lives. We imagined life to become so much better and more free and wonderful, just by cutting the bowlines and disappear somewhere in the horizon. It was of course very relieving, incredibly exciting and we couldn't wait to get as far as possible from home. But slowly we started to realize that our past, and our previous lives and the people that were part of it, were more important molecules of who we were than what we at times wanted to admit. 

Our time here in the Caribbean hasn't been easy at all times, I'm sure you know that if you've read this blog. We've had our ups and downs in the relationship as a result of many challenges during the process of selling the old boat and readjusting to a life on the new one. It was hard to go through a total refit of the boat on low budget all the while living on it and both of us were working full time for almost a year. Alex with composite work on yachts in Antigua, me with the blog and all things around it. All that to gain security for us for the future. During this process, far from the security and comfort of "home" and the other people we love, we started to realize what exactly was missing, which parts of our souls that felt empty. Cause let's face it. One human can never have it all at the very same time. There will always be something one could add. Or remove for that matter. Neither of us would want to go through the hard year that we spent in Antigua again, yet we are both very thankful that it came and varnished, as the time taught us so much about ourselves. 

In our previous lives, neither Alex nor me have ever been the type of people who've been stuck somewhere for the security or comfort only. We've always lived very dynamic lives. Been traveling a lot and been living all over the world. Worked with all the things that we enjoyed. Just like we do right now, in a way a little different. But what has always been apparent in any of the earlier periods of our separate lives and what lacks here right now and did even more so during the hard year we've been through, are the people and friends that we always had around us in the past. The single hardest thing for us during these years on the seas has definitely been the lack of communication, connection and intimacy with our beloved friends, and family members too. 

Of course we've met with new acquaintances on the way, some even led to important and strong friendships and we're very thankful for those. And of course we've been in touch with our families and friends on email and skype and all that. But nothing measures up with real, old, human beings in flesh and bone. People who know you inside out and who loves you for who you are. People you have a history with. Though it occasionally is almost painful to not be near them, there certainly is a beauty in missing someone or something. Nostalgy paints a colorful picture that reveals the true side of who you are. You realize why you miss that special part with someone, or what exactly with those people that are important to you. What makes you feel good, what gives you energy and what has been valuable to you for many years of your life. 

I miss the simple things, they are what really matters. At least those are what matters to me, and Alex, and I think to most other human beings. For me, that is to be close to my sisters and hear them laugh. To share a couple bottles of wine, listen to music and talk rubbish with my friends all night long. To see their facial expressions when they're happy, excited or upset. To see my fathers proud countenance as he for once get to have all his five children collected by the dinner table. I miss the people I loved but who've passed away too soon. All these things that we can't pack a small sailboat full with and bring with us around the world, yet the memory of them are burnt into the mind forever. These memories become so clear and vivid once you are thousands of miles away from it all. The memories of our past are the things that gives us smiles and energy on the lonely nights at sea. Memories of people we've shared good times with. People who gave us something of real, profound value: Love, happiness, laughter, genuine moments, and good conversations. 

People often ask us "how do you two get along so well, living isolated for such a long time". And yes we still feel comfortable and happy in each others company despite having been in each others face day and night for two long years, and a third year in Bcn before that, but we aren't the only ones for each other and it's good to be aware of that fact. However much one might wish to imagine that when newly in love and the air is carrying the sense of nothing can ever come in between us - there is still always room for more than just your partner. Friends and family are the obvious, and the rooms for those are naturally a bit empty these days.

No complains here at all, we've chosen this and we love what we do and where we are. But I think it is important to sometimes go through moments of longer distance to your normal life, as that will teach you exactly what is of major importance to you, and you will more than ever learn what is not. I see myself a richer and in a way a more complete person now, as I know for sure what my heart is longing for.

The above screenshot is from a blog that I found when reading through the daily links that comes to our blog on the Internet. It's written by a Swedish blog reader and if I translate it to English it would go something like:

Jealous and bitter

This is a blog (link to our blog) that I'm reading sometimes, when I'm in the mood. It's written by a couple who seem to be crazy in love and they are very beautiful. It is almost like they don't exist. They have left the boring life at home and gone sailing, around the world.

So I'm reading, and am impressed by their drive. That they dared. That they had money to do it. And I'm dreaming away. And I get jealous, and bitter. Because they dared, because they had money to do it. Because I cannot.

Isn't that the worst thing that can happen to you? To be jealous and bitter, no one wants to be that way.

So I'm trying not to read their blog too often...

__________________________

Honestly, tears were burning behind my eyelids when I first read this. Not because I felt proud or honored. But because I in some weird way take it personally when people, women in particular, let themselves believe that they are not able to lead the lives they wish. Or when they compare themselves with others and let those comparisons bring them down and make them suffer when they absolutely don't have to. 

Anyone who knows me, knows that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, in this world that gets me fired up faster than when discussing a modern woman's right to choose a life for herself. Nothing makes me so upset than seeing a girl or a woman treat herself in ways that are destructive, stressful or cause anxiety just because she wants to fit in to a role or into something that someone else, media or society, and not herself, has created. I have fought with girlfriends as well as male-friends a thousand times because I've wanted them to be true to themselves, to take better care of their lives and respect the choices and freedom that they have, and to not let other people abuse them nor tell them what to do or not to. I have argued over and over with friends because they have accepted the minimum when they could, with the little tools we all got in our hands - willpower and a bit of focus - get so much more out of our short time we have on this earth. It is such a loaded and sensitive subject to me that I have even broken up with friends in the past because of their inability to stay true to themselves, and thus they've been fake, jealous and destructive to their surroundings as a result of the anxiety and low self-esteem that they've embraced and accepted as major parts of their lives. Neither of which I am interested in having to deal with in my life. Though the older I get, the more I understand that it is hard to help and change everyone, especially those who live deep down in denial, so I try to not get too personal nowadays. It is sometimes better to leave them alone and time will eventually give them more reasons to act. 

Not only have I met this type of mentality and thinking among friends and people I've met during my lifetime, but I have also written different personal blogs for the past seven years and have been in touch with tons of girls and women on a daily basis since 2005. Among many experiences and conclusions that I've made during these years, is that there is an incredible amount of people out there who suffer from anxiety of some sort. People who are confused, bitter, jealous, insecure or fight the wrong battles in life. I have received numerous emails and comments from girls out there who've asked me how I dared to 1.) Open my first own company at 21 2.) To move abroad and live in different parts of the world without close friends or family nearby 3.) Sail around the world 4.) Drop everything and every piece of security for the sake of wanderlust or curiosity 5.) Break up with a partner or a friend when I felt it didn't give me what I had hoped for etc etc. 

Many of these girls/women have expressed their fear of not measuring up, fear of being left alone, not choosing the right path or partner in life, not believing there is something better even though they might be miserable and the list goes on and on and on. And my answer has always been: Why spend time on fear or making excuses when all you need to do is to stop thinking so damn much, set a goal and work your way towards it? If I can do it, you can do it too. If you are capable of deciding that you should wake up 5.45 every single weekday morning to be on time at work at 7 am, you can also choose happiness before misery. It is that simple.

I understand that with the way that I have created this blog, beautiful photography and lots of fun things going on, it might appear as we live a fantastic life. And yes, it is a fantastic life indeed. Because that's what we wanted out of life and we won't settle for less. But it isn't fantastic all.the.time. No ones life is. We did also not get here out of luck nor because we had a lot of money on the bank. We are here because of two focused minds, hard and tiring work, persistence, willpower, many fights and disagreements and a chain of many different choices and coincidences, good and bad, made earlier in life. 

If you read the blog carefully, you will easily see that we have the same problems like everyone else has, just that we do not choose to make them bigger than what they actually are. Alex and I argue about stupid things, we have gone through a relationship crisis and are luckily on the other side of that (first one?). We have loads of work that occupies us and hinders us occasionally from being as free as we would want to. And the money that we got when we sold everything we owned before we left on this journey, they are long gone in the process. We miss our friends and families a lot, and even if we have each other, it does occasionally feel very lonely to live the way we do. We are no perfect human beings neither of us. Both of us have some things with ourselves (and each other!) that we are not perfectly happy with, but we choose to focus on the good things instead of ranting about what we don't have. 

To give you some more information. Neither Alex nor me come from perfectly conventional family backgrounds. Both of us have lived most parts of our lives without some of the most important people in a human beings life. Alex without his biological father, me without my mother. Although we have got good help and guidance along the way from family members and other people who have loved and cared for us, we both have had to work and support ourselves earlier than most others. Our unconventional backgrounds have brought us close to the real side of life and of course we could have chosen to give up and feel sorry for ourselves at many occasions along the way, but instead we have meticulously fought our way forward. Instead of letting fear or anxiety take over our existence, we have since the very early years decided that if something's going to happen here, we better take care of it ourselves. I talk a lot in we-terms when I speak about these things, and it is because if there's one thing Alex and I are similar in, it is exactly this. 

One of my best friends has recently decided that she wanted to quit smoking and she told me some parts of the book which will help her to get over the ten year old addiction. In the book, the author explains, not how to fight against the addiction, but how to change your mindset. You know that smoking is not good for you, so instead of feeling sorry for yourself and fighting the fact that you can't smoke those wonderful cigarettes again, you must brainwash yourself into the realistic understanding that smoking is not for you. Because you do not want to be a slave to something so destructive for yourself. Instead of making it a big deal, you need to simplify and just get over it. Just quit and don't look back. This is the same change of attitude that I always come back to when I speak about a human beings mental wellbeing. Be realistic. Don't overdramatize the change. A change is not definite nor is it dangerous. If you know that you're not happy with whatever you are doing, then just take a deep breath, make a plan and set yourself free. Don't fuss over it. Don't make excuses. Don't try to feed your illusions and do stay focused on what you really want out of your life. And if you do want to make it difficult and continue to lie to yourself, go ahead and make another excuse, but don't come and cry over misery, boredom or anxiety again. You want a change in your life? So it's about time you stand up for who you are, what you want and just get the hell out there and make things happen. 

Before someone comes with an objection, you must understand that I do only talk to the ones of you who desperately are longing for a change of some sort. The ones who dream and long for a change but haven't yet began their new journey. I do not talk to the ones of you who are half/half happy and already accepted that your life is, more or less, OK. Cause you have already decided, right? So do not take what I say personally. 

Without getting too deep into spirituality and affirmations again, but we all should know by now that what you project, is what you get back in return. If you feed your brain with thoughts and feelings of hopelessness, jealousy, anxiety and bitterness, that is where you will stay until you learn better. But if you instead teach yourself that it is fully normal to dream big and fight for what your gut tells you is right, that is the direction your life will be heading. Life is not easy for anyone of us. We all have to go through our own individual hardships and challenges. That's another fact. So with that in mind, why not take the bull by the horns and let the challenges at least bring yourself towards a workable, positive goal. And we all must stop being afraid for disappointments and failure. Personally I love a bit of pain and struggle in some sick kind of way, as I know that it will teach me another important lesson. And if I fail, so what? I have no time to be afraid of failure as that would stop my personal growth. It is our society and people around us who have taught us to be scared of failure. But you don't have to buy into any of that shit, do you understand that?

If I use myself and my younger me as an example: I have not always known exactly what I wanted to do in life, nor with who or where I would live. Those things were always secondary to me. My focus was more of the sort one finds within oneself. The things that always drove me, was the will to become a strong, confident, experienced, stable, genuine and independent woman. Later on, I also promised myself that I'd never settle for any man or friend or relationship that didn't fill my life with genuine love, respect and happiness. All else can get the fuck out of my view, literally. I thank my Grandmother for planting the seeds of strength and independence into my brain. But most of it all, I thank myself for always staying true to my fundamental beliefs and for not compromising on my core values. If anyone comes in to my world and tries to mess up with my beliefs or my feelings, I will gladly show you the door. My life is my life and no one is in charge of it except me.

I have experimented with tons of things in my thirty year old life as I wanted to get to know myself completely and learn what I really wanted out of my time on this planet. Not what people around me, what society, magazines or hollywood movies suggested me to become. But who I was deep within when I was the driver of my own destiny. I've worked for many different companies in many areas and industries to gain experience and learn, mostly, what I did not want to do. I've also worked many years for myself which I eventually found suited me better. I have made a lot of money but I have also been terribly broke at times. I have loved many people and I've left some of them behind. I've spent longer times living with different friends or partners but I have also loved the times I was alone. I have enjoyed and indulged in what life has on offer in every way and dimension imaginable but I have also failed and stumbled hundreds of times. Do I regret any of my experiences? Of course not, not even the bad or the sad ones, as they have made me the full and complex person that I am today. When I had the possibility, I have always traveled. I wanted to see the world and get to know as many cultures, different mindsets and point of views' as I could, as a chance to learn something new. I saw my journeys around the world as an opportunity to grab the best of what I found so that I could construct my own life where I truthfully felt in peace, happiness and harmony. I have gone through many different stages of love, despair, longing, pain, excitement, fear, genuine happiness, sorrow and thrills in one big massive roller coaster. What my experiences have given me, are far greater than any external thing or illusionary projection one could've so intelligently build up around oneself. My life: the good, the bad, the confrontations, joys and struggles that I've been through have made me just what I was dreaming about since I was a young girl. A strong, confident, experienced, stable, genuine and independent woman. And the prove of that is in all what I get back from the world and the wonderful loving people that I have had and have the pleasure to share my life with. 

Let me use a metaphor from a part of Alex's life as another good example. Alex had a dream of owning a classic yacht. A fast, gorgeous sailboat which would fit for our lifestyle yet be safe and strong and take us around the world in safety and good style. Now, I mentioned already that we do not have much savings left and we consider ourselves more poor than rich in terms of money, but that didn't stop him from making his dream a reality. He wanted the best and wouldn't settle for less. So he sold his well equipped, super safe and strong boat, the one we started our journey in. To be able to get what he was dreaming about, which is this very boat that we live and travel in today. He couldn't afford buying a well maintained classic yacht in the size that we needed, so this was the closest we could get. This boat is an old, modern classic racing sailboat and built by one of the more famous sailboat designers (Halsey Herreshoff), though it had been literally abandoned for the past ten years or so. Even when Alex, and not to mention me, saw the devastating amount of job that he would have to initiate, he still refused to look another way. He saw the great potential under the dust of this yacht and he dared to dream beyond the mess that he had put himself into. And now we are here, almost a year later and the boat is steadily getting back to the beautiful standard that she once were in, if not better. What I wanted to say with all of this is that the change to the better didn't come for free. Alex has been working on this boat from eight in the morning till sometimes midnight in order to make his dream come true. He had a vision of what would make him and us happy and he stuck to it. He saw no other option than to go through the sweaty, hard work, day and night, seven days a week, just to get to where we are today. The option of staying with a boat that made him unhappy was nonexistent. The worst thing he could have done to himself, would have been to accept the safety, comfort and the risk-free situation of staying with the boat that we had before.

I think that one of the worst disfavors you can do to yourself, is to limit your personal growth or potential happiness because of fear or because of all the other excuses that people tend to do on a daily basis. If you want something so bad, there ain't going to be no one but you stopping it. And if you do continue to make excuses or hindering your own development, I can only take it as that you simply didn't want it bad enough. 

Not everyone wants to sail around the world like we do which I fully understand, but the mindset I've been rambling about for the past thirty minutes (for a lifetime?) can be applied to all things in life. You are the master of your own life. Make sure to respect and nurture that very gift the best you can. I would also never ever accept myself being jealous or bitter, as I know that I don't have to and because I much rather spend that precious time on fulfilling my own, personal dreams, and not only someone else's.